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44 minutes ago, HEAVYMETAL said:

 

Who?

 

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S****   

Does that help. :lol: 

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44 minutes ago, HEAVYMETAL said:

 

Who?

 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

 

 

S****   

Does that help.  

Never heard of em?

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6 hours ago, Nascar said:

 

Scott did something like that once.

 

 

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We have a winner.  On Stephanie's jeep.  At least he was consistent, he put both pads in the wrong way.

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6 hours ago, Nascar said:

 

Scott did something like that once.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We have a winner.  On Stephanie's jeep.  At least he was consistent, he put both pads in the wrong way.

So he put stephs pad on backwards? Did I read this right?

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9 hours ago, HEAVYMETAL said:

 

So he put stephs pad on backwards? Did I read this right?

 

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9 hours ago, HEAVYMETAL said:

 

So he put stephs pad on backwards? Did I read this right?

 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk

 

 

That would be correct.  I'm not sure if both wheels were completed prior to having it pointed out.  It was pretty funny.

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And now, 45 minutes of Nick Offerman silently drinking whisky besides a roaring fire.  

 

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8 hours ago, Klink said:

And now, 45 minutes of Nick Offerman silently drinking whisky besides a roaring fire.  

 

Spent 45 minutes watching other yourtube vids with him in them.  I could lose a full day.

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I've had the week off, and have been trying to do things around the place so my wife doesn't get stuck doing everything.  Below are some Dad / Husband observations / hacks for Christmas I've learned / developed over the last 20 years.

Regarding purchasing a Christmas Tree,

  • Never buy a Christmas tree with pointy needles.
  • the only input from you should be the budget, which should be agreed upon with your spouse before leaving the vehicle.  Always, and I repeat always, agree to a number at least $30 less than what you have in your pocket, and always expect the budget to be blown.  
  • Immediately after leaving the vehicle  enter "negotiations" with the head guy.  Negotiating topics may include, the weather, the state of any football team, the MILF on site, bratty children, I'm sure you have a few of your own.  
  • The point here is that your wife and kids don't really care or need your opinion.  
  • Ratchet straps are useful for Christmas Trees.  Over zealous application of force is not recommended

Regarding wrapping gifts,

  • evidently there are standards to be met when wrapping a gift, those standards are top secret and cannot be shared ahead of time, deal with it
  • wrapping gifts is why women go nuts around the holiday.  
  • never wrap your gifts before your wife finishes wrapping hers.  This shouldn't be a competition, but in your wife's head, you just showed her up.  See the preceding bullet.
  • there are people in China laughing maniacally at the thought of you trying to remove that little piece of paper from the sticky part of that stupid looking bow.
  • never use a black sharpy when writing on wrapping paper
  • never write on wrapping paper, evidently that is what scrap wrapping paper or tags are for
  • put everything in a box, trust me, you may survive wrapping a cube, you have no chance of success otherwise

Food Shopping for holiday meals

  • Think about all the meals between now and when leftovers will be available, add in those meals that you don't want to eat leftovers.  Make sure the list includes these items.  There is a good chance your wife is completely focused on any meals she needs to make for Christmas.  See bullet two under wrapping gifts.
  • If you go food shopping with everyone because it will be a "fun family thing to share", be prepared to simply follow your wife around the market.  This is not about efficiency, it is about your wife not feeling like she is doing everything on her own, regardless of the fact that she is the only one doing anything.

Decorating the Tree

  • Check the lights twice before putting them on the tree. 
  • Always put the lights on first
  • Get the lights on, and open the decoration boxes.  Position yourself so that you are on one side of the decorations, and the tree is on the other.  Stay there.
  • Be available to put stuff on the top, Perry this is the point you get out the step stool.  

Gifts

  • No matter what your wife says, always buy her a gift.  It can be as simple as her favorite chocolate bar.  Ignore this at your own peril

Carving the Turkey

  • Nothing will get you out of whatever you stepped into on Christmas faster than making your wife's turkey look good on the plate, learn how.
  • You will need multiple knives, a slender shorter knife for cutting the entire breast off the bird.  Heavier knives for busting through the joints on the thigh and wings, a longer knife for slicing the breasts into slender pieces
  • Breasts go in the center, wings and legs go around the edges of the platter.
  • Never cut all the meat off the bird.  Your relatives will eat everything on the plate.  Your only hope for leftovers is what is still on the carcass.
  • If you failed to heed the above, Turkeys are really inexpensive the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas

On Stuffing

  • Stuffing is man's work
  • Cornbread cubes, not crumbs, cubes
  • For every bag of cubes
    • 1/2 lb sweet sausage
    • 1/2 lb hot sausage
    • 1 cup cut onions
    • 1 cup cut celery
    • 1 cup craisins, yeah craisins
  • Cook the sausage in a cast iron skillet.  Why cast iron?  Because you are a man, and we cook using manly tools.
  • Spoon out the sausage into a bowl, do not put it on a paper towel.  That pig fat is God's Christmas present to you.
  • With the remaining pig fat glistening in your cast iron skillet, add a box of chicken stock, a stick of butter and heat until the butter melts.
  • Add onions and celery to the stock.  Simmer for a length of time based on your preferences of crunchy celery
  • Add the cornbread cubes to the large bowl containing the sausage, stir until ingredients are mixed
  • Add stock, pour slowly over all of the cubes, you may want to do this in halves and mix in between
  • Take a stick of butter and liberally apply said butter to the bottom of a lasagna pan, not sure what it is called, but it is the pan my wife uses to make lasagna.  If you have to ask if you've added enough butter, you haven't.
  • Pour the well mixed stuffing into the pan.  Cook for 30 minutes at 325 covered with foil, and 30 minutes without if you want the top crusty.
  • The above should be enough to feed 15, if you have 15, I would suggest making two batches so you have leftovers.
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I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 lbs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

 

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